The Vampire in the Museum
by born30
Summary: Set sometime in S1 Booth and Temperance work to solve a serial killer case at The Annual Jeffersonian Institue MidSummer Costume Benefit. Hodgins, Angela, and Zach come along for the ride.


**A/N: **This was originally written in March for a challenge at Copy That.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bones or its characters.

"Who are you supposed to be?" Dr. Temperance Brennan scanned a skeptical eye over her partner. "A maître d'?"

With crisp, snappy movements, F.B.I. Special Agent Seeley Booth adjusted first his bow tie and then each cuff link individually. Fixing a suave smile on his face, he leaned in and growled, "Bond. James Bond."

A sneering laugh escaped her lips as she turned back to her work station. "I think all that hair gel seeping into your skull is inflating your ego."

"Says the girl wearing a gold tiara," he paused, glancing down at her feet. "And red boots."

Rolling her eyes, the brunette hiked up the collar of her trench coat and folded the flaps over the exposed skin at her neck. "It was the only thing in my size left at the costume shop."

He wagged a finger at her playfully. "That's no excuse, Bones. The Jeffersonian hosts this cosutme benefit in the museum every July. So, come on, admit it – you've wanted to be Wonder Woman all your life."

Ignoring his grin, she brushed past him and opened a cabinet, retrieving a new test kit.

"The more important question is, what are you doing down here when the party is upstairs? I'm sure Goodman will want to show off his star scientist."

"I'd rather keep working on this case. He'll just have to make do without…"

Booth snapped his fingers and pointed towards her suddenly. "A-ha! You're going to make a grand entrance in your Invisble Jet."

She sighed. "Don't you have to go make a phone call with your shoe or something?"

"That's Maxwell Smart."

"Whatever."

Leaning over her shoulder, the handsome agent watched as she slid the test kit under the microscope. His deep voice lowered to a whisper. "You know, one of these days, I'm going to tie you to a chair and make you watch a 007 movie marathon."

From the doorway, a sutry voice floated across the room. "Ooo! If she doesn't show, I'm available."

Booth turned and stretched out his hand, beckoning the beautiful woman closer. Her slinky red dress hugged every curve, while the long side slit ran all the way up to her hip. A jeweled clip held her silky dark hair in place, allowing it to cascade over one tan shoulder, leaving the other one bare.

"My dear Angela..." His fake British accent needed work. Placing a kiss on the back of her hand, he tried again. "You look stunning. Now we just need to give you one of those provocative Bond babe names."

"Or _we_ don't." Angela looked across the lab table and smiled at her friend and co-worker. "Hi, sweetie. You do know there is a party going on upstairs, right?"

"Oh, she knows," Booth interrupted. "See her tiara?"

With an exasperated scoff, Temperance crossed her arms over her chest. "Am I the only one who cares about solving this case?" She motioned towards the ceiling. "The number one suspect is up there right now."

Placing both hands on his hips, Booth sighed, "It's a homicide, Bones…"

"A multiple homicide," she corrected.

"Prove it."

The determined scientist marched in between the pair, ascending the platform in the middle of the lab where neatly assembled bones were laid out on a luminescent table. Booth and Angela followed quickly behind her.

"Do you see this?" A slender finger made a circular motion above the skeleton, indicating a small chink in one arm. "What does that look like to you?"

"Some kind of ripping, maybe a knife cut?" guessed Angela.

Booth shook his head. "It's too mangled for that."

"Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!"

The lab doors swung open and in stumbled a slightly inebriated pirate, complete with a neon green parrot perched on his shoulder.

"Avast, ye scallywags!" Dr. Jack Hodgins stopped to burp, thumping a closed fist against his chest. "Cajun shrimp and rum, at least I think it was rum, do not mix."

"I think he's taken his costume to heart," said Angela.

Lifting his eye patch, Hodgins moved his head until his eyes were able to focus properly. "M'lady Angela! Damn. You're smokin' hot tonight." His eyes squeezed shut and his lips puckered together like a blowfish. "How 'bout a kiss?"

"Cajun spice and booze. Hmm. As tempting as that combination sounds, I think I'll pass."

Opening his eyes, the drunk scientist found himself staring at the starched white shirt of Booth's elegant tuxedo. Slowly lifting his head, he muttered, "Let me guess. A maître d'?"

"I have a suggestion," said Temperance. Her eyes remained glued to the infrared scanner. "All of you…leave."

"But I just got here," whined Zack Addy. All eyes fell on the young lab assistant who looked like a mirror image of the other pirate.

"Well, looky here. Captain Jack and Captain Zack, the pirate twins." Booth snarked at his own joke. "If you two hurry, you won't miss your shift at the Long John Silver's down the street."

Zach dropped his head to his chest, releasing a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, hardy har har."

Booth grinned and swung his closed fist heartily across his body. "I believe you meant _arrrggh_."

"Sorry, Booth. How was I supposed to know that he…" The young man stopped, motioning his head towards Hodgins, who was picking his teeth with one of his parrot's talons. "Was going to wear the same thing. We can't all be James Bond like you."

"Finally!" Booth exclaimed, clapping a hand on Zach's shoulder. "A smart person in this place."

"Look at this." The bright overhead lights dimmed, leaving the eerie glow of the infrared viewing screen to illuminate the room. "I think I've found a common link amongst all four bodies, except…"

--------------

"I'll do it." Temperance straightened up, her fingers flying to the knotted belt of her coat. "I'll sweet talk him and get him to bite my shoulder."

The sudden raucous laughter of the group turned her earnest expression into a scowl.

"I don't know what's funnier," howled Booth. "The thought of you sweet-talking _anyone_, or thinking that Winston Burke is a thirteen-year old comic book geek…" He stopped to wipe away the tears the laughter had produced. "Who would want to sink his teeth into…"

"In your satin tights," interrupted Hodgins, singing at the top of his lungs. "Wonder Woooo-man!"

Temperance jammed her hands into her pockets. "I suppose you have a better idea then?"

"Burke is a sophisticated man, who would be better tempted by say..." Booth waved his hand in front of the woman standing next to him. "A Bond babe, which we just happen to have right here."

"Oh, no," protested Angela. "You are _not_ using me as bait for the human vampire killer."

Wrapping a strong arm around her waist, Booth waggled his eyebrows at her. "I thought you liked kinky."

"Kinky, yes. The jaws of death, no."

"But…"

"No."

--------------

"So, Mr. Burke…" Angela brought the martini up to her lips, her dark eyes flirting with him over the crystal glass. "Tell me about your new business venture."

Tan skin crinkled at the corners of his eyes, in stark contrast to the white hairs that colored his temples. "I don't want to bore you with business." His tight grin appeared permanent, either by years of practice or plastic surgery. "I'd much rather talk about you…" He used his thumb to draw a small circle on her bare shoulder. "And me… and finding a quiet spot in this glass-and-chrome tomb."

Angela drew her shoulder upward, shaking off the shiver that his touch had evoked. "You mean, museum, right?"

"Sweetheart, for the wad of dough I drop in this place every year, I can call it whatever I please."

Struggling to act impressed, she slid her hand into his waiting arm and led him to the mezzanine level. She mentally crossed her fingers that her colleagues would all be in place and awaiting their arrival.

-------------

"You should've just let me do this." Temperance elbowed past Booth as they rushed up the back stairwell. "Now I have to give Angela an extra week of vacation. How am I going to explain this to Goodman?"

"He'll be thanking you when we solve this case."

Reaching the landing, the group gathered behind the door. Through the small vertical window, they could see Angela luring the suspect towards the balcony.

"When you see him going for the shoulder…" instructed Booth.

"What if he doesn't?"

"Bones, please. The guy was drooling all over her. So, when you see him going for her shoulder…"

"It was a valid question."

"When again do I get to use this?" questioned Hodgins, drawing his plastic sword from his belt.

"Never!" chorused Booth and Temperance.

"James Bond never had to work with such amateurs."

"You're not James Bond."

"And you're not Wonder Woman, though we have yet to see the whole costume. For all we know, you only rented the tiara and red boots."

A loud scream snapped the group to attention.

"It's show time." Retrieving his gun, Booth bolted through the door, the motley crew close at his heels.

---------------

"Ooo! Dr. Goodman, you didn't tell us there would be entertainment!" The white-haired lady, dressed as a Titanic survivor, complete with a canvas life preserver, clapped her hands politely.

All eyes were drawn to the mezzanine level balcony where the impromptu performance played out like a scene from an action film. A red boot collided with the would-be culprit's chin and sent him stumbling to the floor. The other boot stomped on his chest, pinning him to the ground. Wonder Woman placed both hands on her hips, the red cape fluttering out behind her. The roar of applause that went up from the guests below momentarily distracted the troupe of characters from their mission.

Goodman watched in silent horror as the events unfolded. His jaw tightened, a tense chuckle escaping through thin lips. "It would not have been a surprise, you see, if I had told you in advance, Mrs. Smithers-Buchanan-Jones."

"Oh, yes, I suppose you're right."

The two matching pirates exchanged glances and swept up in the fervor, engaged in a duel, their plastic swords slapping and poking. As soon as the dashing James Bond impersonator checked on the beautiful victim, he clamped a pair of silver handcuffs on Burke.

"I had no idea Winston was such a good sport," mused the old woman, taking a sip of her champagne. "I must say, your Wonder Woman was quite convincing."

"Yes, I can't wait to have a word with her."

Knocking Zack to the ground, Hodgins stepped up to the edge of the balcony and held his sword out above the crowd. "Ahoy!"

Every glass raised in salute. "Ahoy!" echoed the guests.

As the crowd went back to their mingling, Goodman smiled through gritted teeth and rushed up the stairs to the next level.

"Get this piece of work down to my lab," ordered Temperance. She sighed and adjusted her outfit, smoothing out the wrinkles. "I need to get a plaster mold cast of his teeth."

"I'll get everything set up for you, Dr. Brennan." Zack saluted her and smiled, scurrying after Booth, who escorted a frazzled Burke down to the lab.

"What is the meaning of this, Dr. Brennan?" demanded Goodman. "Do you have any idea who that man was?"

"Yes, the serial killer we've been after for months."

"Winston Burke? But he's one of our biggest benefactors."

Nursing her bruised shoulder, Angela scoffed, "Big deal, so he's a _generous_ vampire. I have the bite marks to prove it."

Goodman took a deep breath. "If this turns out to be a falsified accusation…"

"It won't."

---------------

"The look on Goodman's face was priceless."

Temperance nodded and sipped her drink. "You could practically see the dollar signs draining from his eyes when we turned Burke over to the F.B.I."

Booth stretched out his arm and leaned back into the sofa, casually extending it around her shoulders for a gentle embrace. "Good work, Wonder Woman. Your forensic evidence is gonna be the final nail in Burke's coffin."

The pair sat nestled together, the soft jazz music filling the silence between them. Reaching up, Temperance slid the gold tiara from her hair and tossed it aside.

"Now, what were saying about a James Bond movie marathon?"

With a light kiss to the back of her hand, Booth's shaky British accent returned. "My dear Bones, I thought you'd never ask."

The end


End file.
